Sunday, 15 April 2012

REBOOT: My Opinions On Every Pokémon Ever. VOLUME TWO: 010, Caterpie to 020, Raticate.

Caterpie is the cutest bug you're ever going to see, don't even try to refute me on this. Caterpie is objectively (there's that word again!) adorable. Look at it! It looks like it's reaching up for a hug. And how could you deny those big sad eyes a hug? Apparently those feet reaching up for said hugs have suction cups on them, enabling it to climb easier. And hug more firmly, as I assume Pokémon's creators intended to imply.

Less adorable is the fact that the red antennae you see there emit a strong, pungent scent. I can't begrudge Caterpie that - after all, it has to fend off predators somehow - but you might want to keep it in mind if you've got a big date immediately after hugging your Caterpie.

It's hard not to make a joke about the most infamous move Metapod can learn, but I firmly believe we can raise our defence against moves like that.

Past that, my favourite thing about Metapod is the weird facial duality thing it's got going on. If you see the left side as its front, it has a sad, forlorn expression with eyes that the hope has been knocked out of, probably by some bitch of a pidgey. If, on the other hand, you choose to look at the right side as its front, it's angry. Maybe it desires vengeance for the hope that the pidgey pecked from its backleftside sad face.

That's pretty much the extent of what I have to say. It's a cocoon. Can't really add to that! I'll go ahead and say that I believe its simplicity works in its favour, though. Like a lot of the Gen Wunners, its design that was taken almost wholesale from something found in nature was still a novelty idea and I don't feel I should count it against them.

Yessss, this is a good Pokémon. Can't knock its colour scheme, even if it would fit better as a Venonat evolution. Like quite a few others on the wild world of the internet, I'm convinced that Butterfree was originally Venomoth and vice versa. Look at that face.

That said, I don't really care about the mistake. It doesn't negatively affect my opinion. And seeing as this whole thing is a huge platform for me to write out my self-indulgent opinions at length, that's what's going to matter here.

I'd like to comment first on Butterfree's anime voice. It's cool. This is going to sound stupid, but I've always found it kind of cute that it seems to be saying 'be free~'. Plus, I can imitate it pretty well, so that's a bonus in my books, haha.

It's also quite cute. Those little tiny hands can't not be adorable. And that adorable face. Guys, I can't. Butterfree is too cute.
013: WEEDLE.
I kept trying to type 'Weedle is not as cute as Caterpie' but I couldn't. The more I look at it, the cuter it is. What is this insectoid witchcraft? It's actually adorable. You know what else? It has the same colour scheme as Neapolitan ice cream. That's not something I want to argue against.

Weedle would probably have a much easier time of defending itself than Caterpie. It has ruddy great big horns on either end, though I don't suppose that kind of protrusion is called a horn when it's attached to a tail. The concept of butt-unicorns is probably not something you want to think too hard about. The point is (dohoho, point) that I guess Weedle is more likely to survive than Caterpie. A live, unspoiled Weedle is a lot better than a Caterpie that's dead. Note: I did try to describe that in some humourous way, but I just ended up distressing myself. Let's step away from talk of injured cute things.

014: KAKUNA.
The first thing I notice about Kakuna is that this image of it is really thin and not doing a great job of being a placeholder. It makes the formatting for this section look a little less fancy than the rest of it. Sorry Kakuna, but those are points against you right off the bat.

Those points off it for screwing with my formatting don't affect it much, though. It's a serious-faced golden cocoon with a bowtie. I don't know exactly how many points that is but I'm pretty sure it's a lot (don't even try to tell me that's a bowtie. No one has succeeded yet).

I'd also like to mention the way Metapod and Kakuna evolve in the anime. It's pretty rad. Their backs split open and their evolved form comes out, like a cocoon in real life (though a lot more elegant, obviously. Nature ain't that smooth). The variation from the standard 'glow then holy shit more power' is nice.

What a badass. Even in this here standard mugshot that you see, Beedrill looks badass. Even its name doesn't fuck around - it's a bee and it drills. Wanna fight about it? The answer is no.

It's also a meter tall. People (myself unashamedly included) freak out at those flies that are the size of a hand. Scale those up a few times and add drills and a fabulous, sassy fighting pose and you're getting close to this bro.

Did I mention that the drills are, according to various incarnations of the Pokédex, both poisonous and venomous?


016: PIDGEY.
I like Pidgey. Nothing too complicated about it, so I'll keep this section relatively short (relatively being the operative term, here. We both know that brevity isn't my forté). It's a little brown pigeon and it's as simple as that.

Its little frowny eyebrow things are cute. I'm sure there's a more legit name for them than that, but I'm not aware of it so for now, that sticks. Its eye markings are nice, too. It probably wouldn't work so well without them - that dark patch against the lighter shades of brown/cream helps to draw attention to that area and it just adds some much needed contrast.


I love Pidgeotto's tail. I really do. I wish my hair looked like Pidgeotto's tail. In my opinion, the darkish pinkish reddish colour they've added in the form of the tail and the luscious, long mane of hair complements the already established brown and cream colour scheme pretty nicely.

It's claimed in one Pokédex entry that Pidgeotto's eyesight is so good that it will always be able to accurately monitor and track the movements of its prey, no matter how high it ascends. That is an absolutely ridiculous level of awesome to handle. One must wonder, then, if there is a practical limit to how high up Pidgeotto can get. What if, theoretically, I sent one to space, for one reason or another? It's not as if I have sent a Pidgeottot to space, but I'd like to know the answer. Soon, if possible. Please.

Honestly, Pidgeot doesn't impress me all that much, having evolved from Pidgeotto. I like its luxurious mane of hair even more than I like Pidgeotto's, but I miss the alternating colours on the tail. I'm also not a huge fan of the way the ends of its tailfeathers have been smoothed out - the zig-zagging edges of Pidgeotto's tail just look cooler.

However, there's no avoiding the fact that it apparently flies at Mach 2 speed. For those of you who don't know what that is, it's really fucking fast. I can appreciate any life form that breaks science that quickly.

Fucking. Yes. Ratta is a tiny purple rate without the fancypants special snowflake magical powers that a lot of its Pokémon cohorts are treated to, but it's still got the guts to be that angry and that confrontational all of the god damn time. Just look at that picture. That is a rat that is not afraid in the slightest to fuck up all your shit with great prejudice.

Rattata is brave enough to make bold fashion choices, too. Just look at those whiskers. Only the bravest would take such a risk with their look. And you know what? It totally pays off. Rattata is in the top percentage of sassiness.


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